BUDAYA  

Cerpen ZIARAH

Karya Tedy Heriyadi

ziarah ilustrasi i nyoman darya kompas 1 616x400 1
(Ilustrasi:I Nyoman Darya/Kompas).

AKHIRNYA aku bisa berjongkok di sebelah kuburanmu sambil menikmati angin berembus pelan. Lembut. Membuat alunan gemerisik daun-daun kering di tanah. Hati ini memaksaku untuk mengobrol denganmu. Tapi aku bingung harus mulai dari mana. Aku gugup. Karena berziarah bukanlah persentuhan antara dua tubuh.

Istriku! Maksudku, mantan istriku!

Aku baru saja pulang dari sudut kota. Setelah wabah mematikan itu, tiba-tiba saja aku ingin mengunjungimu di sini. Aku ingin mendoakanmu. Semoga kau di sana senang dengan doaku ini. Bagiku, doa adalah suatu kebahagiaan bagi perempuanku yang mati lebih dulu. Kuutamakan doa untukmu agar Tuhan tak sia-sia menempatkanmu di surga.

Kalau saja aku bisa menahan nafsu, mungkin kau sudah mencapai cita-citamu sebagai perawat. Kekhilafanku telah membuatmu menderita. Masa depanmu menjadi sirna. Aku merasa kasihan padamu. Di usiamu yang masih belasan, harus membawa calon bayi di rahimmu. Aku tidak bisa membayangkan betapa beratnya perutmu dan juga rasa sakit saat kau melahirkannya. Katanya nyawa seperti sudah di ujung ibu jari kaki.

Aku bersyukur bisa mempunyai anak darimu meski hubungan kita sebagai suami istri sudah tidak seiya-sekata. Sesungguhnya aku senang saat kudengar berita anak kita perempuan. Dia cantik sepertimu. Kau juga tahu aku sangat ingin mempunyai anak perempuan. Tapi, sayangnya kebahagiaan itu hanya datang sesaat. Aku hanya bisa mengucapkan maaf atas perbuatanku. Tak mendampingimu saat melahirkan kala itu dan tak sempat memberikan nama untuk anak kita. Maafkan aku.

Sejak surat cerai itu terbit, kau menggendong anak kita yang baru berusia tiga hari. Memang benar kata orang, menikah muda risikonya berat. Ego saling bertabrakan memecahkan emosi menjadi puing-puing amarah. Biar aku yang berkata semua ini salahku, bukan salahmu.

Kala itu aku berjanji tidak akan menikah lagi untuk menghormatimu. Lagi pula, tak ada perempuan yang bersedia menjadi istriku. Mereka bilang menikah denganku adalah kutukan. Hal itu tak begitu aku tanggapi dan aku memilih pergi untuk menghindar.

Aku ikut dengan rekan ayahku, Pak Juhdi. Dia yang mengajariku menyembelih hewan. Pak Juhdi memberiku sebuah golok peninggalan ayahku. Golok yang selalu dipakai oleh ayahku untuk menyembelih kambing, domba, sapi atau kerbau. Lalu, Pak Juhdi menyuruhku untuk mendatangi suatu desa yang punya tradisi menyembelih sapi untuk persembahan kematian. Katanya, supaya aku bisa mencari uang sendiri.

Tanpa berpikir panjang, aku pergi ke tempat yang dikatakan Pak Juhdi. Tempatnya jauh, namanya pun sulit untuk diucapkan, apalagi diingat. Tapi, kutempuh saja demi mencari uang untuk hidupku sendiri. Sambil berjalan, aku mengingatmu selalu. Dalam sadar, kakiku bergetar. Hatiku gentar.

Aku tinggal di desa itu. Suasana baru saat itu tak membuatku lupa akan dirimu. Tak terasa delapan belas tahun lamanya, aku bermukim di desa itu dan menjalani pekerjaanku sebagai jagal. Aku merasa lebih dekat dengan ayahku. Kuharap ayahku tersenyum melihatku menyembelih kambing, domba, sapi, atau kerbau. Di tempat inilah kematian seseorang adalah dukaku dan sukaku. Sukaku mendapatkan uang banyak ketika wabah itu, karena banyak orang yang mati. Dukaku melihat orang mati. Aku dilema. Antara suka dan duka harus merasuk hatiku secara bersamaan.

Perempuanku! Yang pernah bersamaku!

Saat itu, aku belum berpikir untuk menikah lagi. Aku masih ingin menikmati kesendirianku. Andai kau masih hidup, kau bisa mencium aroma domba dan kambing di badanku ini. Kau juga bisa melihat tubuhku banyak lebam bekas tendangan sapi. Memang sakit. Tapi sakit ini tidak seberapa dibanding rasa sakit ketika membayangkan wajahmu yang cantik dengan setitik tahi lalat di dekat matamu yang nyentrik. Rambut panjang terurai. Kulit putih yang lembut seperti lumut. Pipi yang ranum terbelah oleh senyum.

Kala aku punya segalanya, aku terdiam. Jantungku seperti berhenti berdetak. Andai saja dulu kita tidak bercerai, uang yang kupunya ini bisa kita gunakan untuk berlibur. Aku tidak lupa tentang tempat kesukaan. Pantai bukan? Akan kuajak anak kita bermain bola pantai, membuat istana pasir, naik perahu, menikmati segarnya air kelapa muda. Anak kita pasti tersenyum berseri-seri. Bayangan ini yang selalu menjadi hiburan yang memilukan hatiku.

Ketika asyik membayangkanmu, seorang wanita tua dengan pakaian yang penuh pernak-pernik datang ke rumahku. Orang-orang memanggilnya Nyonya Lin, seorang saudagar daging dan susu, juga mempunyai peternakan sapi yang besar. Dia menangis. Lalu, memintaku untuk segera menyembelih sapi miliknya sebagai persembahan suci kematian suami dan kedua putranya yang meninggal karena wabah mematikan itu.

Sambil kugunakan masker dan pakaian tertutup, aku dibantu oleh warga sekitar memindahkan tiga ekor sapi ke tempat yang lebih terbuka. Satu per satu kusembelih sapi itu. Sambil menyayatkan golok ke tenggorokan sapi itu, aku berkata dalam hati “Ayah, lihatlah anakmu!” Kuucapkan kalimat itu terus-menerus berharap ayahku mendengarnya. Sesekali perutku terkena tendangan sapi. Darahnya pun menyiprati tubuhku.

Akhirnya penyembelihan tiga ekor sapi selesai dengan baik dan cepat. Lalu, Nyonya Lin datang kepadaku. Matanya yang sembap melihatku bersimbah darah.

“Aku melihatmu melakukan pekerjaan dengan baik. Potongannya bagus. Cepat. Kau cukup ahli dalam hal potong hewan.”

“Oh, ini biasa saja, Nya.” Kataku malu.

“Sudah lama menjadi jagal?”

“Sudah belasan tahun.”

“Itu sudah sangat lama. Ini upahmu!” sambil memberikan amplop yang tebal. “Cukupkah untukmu?”

Aku berpura-pura mengintip isi dari amplop itu karena sudah kuduga jumlahnya sangat besar.

“Cukup. Terima kasih.”

Segera kumasukkan amplop itu ke dalam tasku. Tiba-tiba mataku menoleh menuju seorang gadis yang begitu anggun mengantarkan beberapa gelas susu kepada tamu yang datang. Rambut panjangnya menyibakkan kesejukan dalam hati, kulitnya putih tanpa noda, seputih susu yang telah diantarkannya tadi. Suaranya begitu merdu ketika mempersilakan tamu untuk menikmati hidangan. Senyumnya manis. Mataku tidak berkedip. Jantungku mulai berdegup kencang. Rupanya Nyonya Lin mengetahui gerak-gerikku ini.

“Namanya Nurba. Sudah dua tahun dia bekerja di sini. Usianya baru 18 tahun.”

Nyonya Lin menceritakan banyak hal tentang Nurba. Nyonya Lin menerima Nurba sebagai anak angkatnya semenjak ditinggal mati oleh ibunya yang sakit terkena wabah. Dia orangnya sangat ramah dan santun. Meski sendirian, dia bisa menciptakan suasana kekeluargaan dengan orang lain. Terlebih lagi, dia pandai mengasuh anak-anaknya saat masih hidup. Aku bergegas pergi karena rasa maluku mulai membuatku salah tingkah.

Selama perjalanan pulang, rasa penasaran muncul dalam hatiku. Hatiku bergetar kencang lagi. Getarannya menghapus bayangan tentang masa lalu. Aku terlalu sibuk bekerja hingga lupa sudah lama menduda. Aku mulai kembali memikirkan rumah tangga. Rasa itu menimbulkan pertengkaran dua sisi antara pikiran dan hati. Pikiranku berkata, jangan hidup sendiri melulu, ada gadis yang sedang menunggu. Tapi hatiku berkata “tidak” karena aku akan menanam dosa dari kesalahanku padamu dan menyebarkan kutukan yang dikatakan orang-orang di kampungku dulu.

Tidurku tidak nyenyak. Setelah pertengkaran itu, pikiranlah yang menang. Pikiranku telah memberi saran untuk bekerja di rumah Nyonya Lin menjadi penyembelih sapi yang dagingnya nanti disebar ke pedagang atau restoran. Sembari bekerja, aku melakukan niat lain di balik tajamnya golok yang menggorok tenggorokan sapi. Aku bisa lebih dekat dengan Nurba.

Di balik wabah mematikan yang semakin marak, aku dan Nurba semakin akrab. Dia pun terlihat nyaman di sampingku. Semakin dekat. Di matanya kulihat masa depanku yang membahagiakan. Keikhlasan hatinya telah menerima diriku apa adanya, meski perbedaan usia yang jauh. Ternyata masih ada satu dari sejuta perempuan yang terbaik dari yang baik. Tanpa berlama lama, kami sepakat untuk melanjutkannya ke jenjang janji suci. Nyonya Lin bersedia menjadi wali untuk Nurba.

Malam sebelum pernikahan itu, aku selalu berdoa kepada Tuhan. Meminta-Nya menyampaikan maafku untukmu. Berkali-kali aku sampaikan doa meminta restu dan menjauhkan kutukan yang dikatakan orang-orang dulu. Kali ini aku ingin hidup tenang bersama keluargaku. Aku bukan bermaksud membuatmu cemburu, apalagi melupakanmu. Itu kejam. Aku tak setega itu kepadamu yang pernah menikah denganku. Aku menikahinya bukan untuk menjadi penggantimu. Bagiku, dia adalah sosok yang meneruskan kehidupanmu di dunia ini untuk berjuang bersamaku.

Tibalah di hari pernikahan itu. Tak ada pesta di tengah pandemi. Cukup dengan memerah puluhan liter susu dan menyembelih lima ekor sapi. Daging dan susunya dibagikan ke tetangga.

Setahun sudah usia pernikahan kami, pandemi sudah berlalu. Begitu juga Tuhan memberikan kami kebahagiaan. Bayi perempuan yang lahir dari rahim Nurba. Tapi, Tuhan juga memberikan kami ujian di balik kebahagiaan itu. Bayi kami sakit. Tidak berhenti merengek. Istriku panik. Aku akan melakukan apa pun untuk anakku, tapi aku bingung harus berbuat apa lagi.

Kubawa anak kami ke rumah sakit. Kukendarai mobilku seperti ambulans. Setelah tiba di rumah sakit, dia harus operasi. Biaya yang dibutuhkan sangat besar. Terpaksa kugunakan semua tabunganku. Uangnya masih kurang. Lalu, Nurba menyuruhku untuk mengambil uang miliknya di rumah.

Aku kembali lagi ke rumah dengan tergopoh-gopoh. Badanku mandi keringat. Tibalah di rumah, langsung kubuka lemari pakaian Nurba. Karena panik, tindakanku seperti seorang perampok rumah. Mengacak-acak pakaian. Akhirnya kutemukan sejumlah uang dan sebuah foto seorang perempuan yang tak sengaja jatuh ketika mengeluarkan pakaian dari lemari. Foto itu bertuliskan “Nurba sayang Ibu.”

Inilah saat yang tak akan kulupakan. Karena foto itu, aku bisa melihat ibu mertuaku berwajah cantik dengan setitik tahi lalat di dekat matanya yang nyentrik. Rambut panjang terurai. Kulit putih yang lembut seperti lumut. Pipi yang ranum terbelah oleh senyum. Suara napasku yang terengah-engah seketika berubah menjadi dentum bayang-bayang masa lalu.***

Tedy Heriyadi, lahir di Bandung, 1992, merupakan dosen di Fakultas Ilmu Sosial dan Ilmu Politik Universitas Pasundan. Menjadi pendiri sekaligus ketua komunitas literasi Goresan Tinta Hujan. Alumnus Kelas Cerpen Kompas tahun 2018.

I Nyoman Darya, perupa kelahiran Gianyar, Bali, ini lulusan ISI Yogyakarta. Dalam kurun waktu sebelas tahun sejak 2008 sudah tiga kali pameran tunggal. Selain itu, puluhan kali terlibat pameran gabungan.

Sumber: Kompas, 19 Juli 2020

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